All three questions in this principle were below the 5.0 target.

• Dealing with family members
• Spending time with the opposite sex
• Former lovers
• Disciplining children
• Communicating with one another
• Spending money
• Working hours

• Don't be quiet. When you feel a boundary has been violated, avoid being the silent martyr. Use assertive communication skills.
  • Use "I statements."
  • Use feeling words.
  • Ask specifically for what you need.
• Be emotionally responsive. Validate your partner's emotion, and make sure things are repaired with your partner before you move on.
• Take responsibility. If the rupture is a bruise or deep cut, in which one of you is indeed at fault, part of the repair requires the offending partner to take responsibility as soon as possible for their action.
• Be aware of differing interpretations. If the issue is just a matter of differences, it is important for both partners to recognize the difference and work out a solution for the future, versus creating a deeper rupture by arguing over who is at fault and who is not.

• Relax and unwind; take some time to focus on each other in a beautiful location.
• Create a bucket list of experiences you want to have together.
• Hold a vow renewal to rededicate your love to one another.
• Take quarterly excursions to have time away alone with each other.
• Hold weekly date nights to have regular romantic connection.
• Consider a couple's retreat to continue to build skills in sustaining healthy, positive interaction with one another.
• Find new fun things to do together to add variety and keep things exciting.
• Monitor how your partner is evolving by regularly checking in on changes to your partner's dreams, and to identify new interests and likes.

• Vocalize positive thoughts and feelings about your partner.
• Compliment your partner while speaking with others.
• Talk about your partner to others.
• Introduce your partner to your friends and family.
• Stand up for your partner.
• Support your partner's ideas and beliefs.

This was an area where you scored very favorably as all three questions were 5.0 or above. Therefore, for this principle I recommend that you simply do the "Parts of Me" exercise with your partner and share the results with one another.

All three questions in this principle were below the 5.0 target.

To deepen the level of intimacy within your relationship:

1. Connection rituals. Be intentional about making memories and diaries by creating rituals of connection to increase your level of trust, reliance, and predictability with each other. With higher levels of trust, you and your partner will likely feel more comfortable with going to deeper levels of intimacy. Your connection rituals might include activities such as the following.
   • Morning coffee time
   • Mid-day "thinking of you" texts
   • Weekly date nights out
2. Intentional acts of love. Recognize what makes your partner feel close to you and give that gift to them as a way of deepening intimacy. For example, for your partner the key might be praising them, touching them, giving something to them, doing something for them, or just spending time with them. Whatever it is for your partner, be intentional about giving them what they need to feel close.

To deepen the level of communication within your relationship:

1. 1. Daily seeking. Make daily time for you and you partner to check-in with one another at an intimate level. Make sure the conversation goes beyond, "How was your day?" Here are questions you may find helpful to move the conversation to a deeper level of intimacy.
      • What's been on your mind today?
      • How did that make you feel?
      • Why is that important to you?
   2. Proactive sharing. Be proactive in disclosing your own thoughts and feelings.
      • When your partner does something that you like, go beyond "Thank you," or "That was nice." Be specific about what you liked and why you liked it. This additional information deepens intimacy and your partners knowledge of what's important to you and why.
      • When your partner does something that you don't like, don't ignore the behavior or stop at, "I didn't like that." Instead, let your partner know how it made you feel and why.
      • If you have been churning on something and you realize you have been keeping it to yourself, don't continue churning. Instead, turn to your partner and share what's been on your mind.

When your partner doesn't want to engage (Not Sharing).

1. Use your healthy communication skills to let your partner know how important it is to you that you really know them, and how it makes you feel shut out and alone when they don't share their thoughts and feelings.
2. When they know that you are hurting, rather than just complaining about their behavior, there is a much higher probability that they will turn toward you and become open to sharing.

If your partner doesn't seek to know you (Not Seeking), that is, they don't ask questions about you or seem to lose interest when you are sharing about yourself.

1. • Let your partner know your observation and how it makes you feel.

All three questions in this principle were below the 5.0 target.

Learn your partner's love language.

• Take the online test to discover your partner's love languages. (https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language)
• There is a short-cut method you might find helpful, especially if your partner is reluctant to take a test. Ask your partner what I call the magic love language question: "What's the one thing I could do that would make you feel more loved by me?"

Learn multiple ways to express your love in your partners love language.

Knowing your partners love language is not enough. It is essential to your lifelong honeymoon that you lift your partner everyday by learning to love them the way they want to be loved. It's the small, daily acts of thoughtfulness and attention that breed intimacy and friendship.

Periodically do the Tank Check exercise by taking turns asking the following questions of each other.

• What are things that I have done in the last 7 days that have contributed to you feeling loved?
• On a scale of 1-to-10 with 10 being high, how filled is your love tank right now?
• What are two or three things I could do over the next week to help move you closer to a 10?

Both the second and third questions in this principle were below the 5.0 target.

If you or your partner has diminished rather than embrace a difference:

1. Request a redo.
2. Practice assertive communication.
   • Use I-statements.
   • Use feeling words.
   • Ask specifically for what you need.
3. Use reflective listening.
4. Seek solutions that respect the differences.
5. Monitor the intervention for success.

To express greater caring and consideration when you have conflict over a difference:

• Seek solutions that honor the key needs of both of you.
• Establish creative approaches that work for the two of you for communicating and resolving differences.

All three questions in this principle were below the 5.0 target.

Do the "Porsha Principles Fire Drill" exercise to get practice in extinguishing fires.

• Have each partner identify one or more fire starters that the other partner sometimes employ.
• Write down three examples of statements similar to something the partner might say that could ignite a fire.

The Role Play:

• Each partner then takes turns saying one of the fire starters your partner picked for you.
• The other partner then practices responding with a fire extinguisher
  • State the primary emotion you are feeling.
  • Ask if they can state what they need using I statements instead of a fire starter.
  • Continue using assertive communication and reflective listening strategies.
  • Restate your partner's message often.
• The fire starter then responds in a positive way to the fire extinguisher's words.
• Exchange roles and do it again.

If you find yourself about to deliver a fire starter use the 4-step Fire Prevention Strategy.

1. Pause...count to five before you respond to allow time for the automatic negative reaction to flow pass.
2. Next, quickly remind yourself how much your partner means to you and how much you care about them.
3. Then, consider the reaction you most desire from your partner (e.g., an apology, an expression of concern for you, a change in their behavior, etc.)
4. Finally, decide the words to use that would most likely evoke that reaction from your partner.

If you find that you have delivered a fire starter to your partner, use Fire Extinguishing Strategy #1.

1. Request a redo.
2. Slow things down and apologize.
3. Practice assertive communication.
   • Use "I statements."
   • Use "feeling words."
   • Ask specifically for what you need.

If your partner delivers a fire starter to you, use Fire Extinguishing Strategy #2.

1. Let your partner know the primary emotion you are feeling.
2. Ask your partner if they can state what they need using I statements instead of a fire starter.
3. Continue using the assertive communication and reflective listening strategies.
4. Restate your partner's message often to let them know you understand them clearly before you move through the discussion.

If you are unable to stay calm enough to use the fire extinguishing strategy, protect your relationship by calling a timeout and coming back to the table at an agreed upon time.

Both the second and third questions in this principle were below the 5.0 target.

Use the Porsha Principles "Learning from Past Disagreements" exercise to help you and your partner with future disagreements. The exercise has you examining past disagreements and identifying how you would have liked to have handle them.

1. Together, identify 3-5 disagreements that have occurred in the past.
2. With each disagreement decide whether it was level 1 (information), 2 (values), or 3 (outside factors).
3. Discuss the strategy from The Porsha Principles that might have been used to better handle each disagreement.
4. Decide what “catch phrase” (e.g., “Let’s use our Porsha Principles on this”) you and partner will use in the future to help remind you to pull in one of the strategies to help with a disagreement.

When disagreements occur in the relationship, determine the level and employ the appropriate strategies.

Level-1 Disagreements: Lack of Shared Information

• Playback what you believe you heard and confirm that you heard it correctly.
• Agree with what you can agree with.
• Challenge by asking a question to address your concerns.

Level-2 Disagreements: Different Values

• Agree to try to resolve the disagreement using the Porsha Principles approach.
• Identify what you agree on and confirm the source of the disagreement.
• Confirm the alternatives and ask for others.
• Together, define the strengths of each alternative over the other alternative.
• Together identify the weaknesses of each alternative.
• Check for agreement.
• Have each partner identify the one or two most important strengths of their alternative.
• Seek a merged alternative.

Level-3 Disagreements: Outside Factors

• Empathize with the position by addressing your partner with care and consideration.
• Use observation techniques and reflective listening.
• Ask for permission to dig deeper.
• Listen and affirm.
• Let time pass if necessary and bring back up in an affirming way.

Both the first and third questions in this principle were below the 5.0 target.

Do the "Porsha Principles Rupture Review" exercise to give you and your partner the opportunity to review a few past ruptures and repair any that are still unhealed. The two of you should take turns answering the following questions.

• For you, what have been the top 3 ruptures in our relationship?
• Are there any other ruptures that have not been repaired?
• What can we do to begin repairing each one, if we haven’t already?
• What can we do to prevent similar ruptures in the future?

When a rupture causing event occurs, use the five-step intervention process.

1. Address and fully understand the emotional impact your behavior had on your partner.
2. Express deep remorse, apologize, and take full ownership of their behavior without making excuses or trying to explain the behavior.
3. Isolate the likely root cause of the behavior between the partners or with professional help.
4. Identify what could have been done to prevent it.
5. Identify where they are now and what will be done differently going forward.

All three questions in this principle were below the 5.0 target.

• Dealing with family members
• Spending time with the opposite sex
• Former lovers
• Disciplining children
• Communicating with one another
• Spending money
• Working hours

• Don't be quiet. When you feel a boundary has been violated, avoid being the silent martyr. Use assertive communication skills.
  • Use "I statements."
  • Use feeling words.
  • Ask specifically for what you need.
• Be emotionally responsive. Validate your partner's emotion, and make sure things are repaired with your partner before you move on.
• Take responsibility. If the rupture is a bruise or deep cut, in which one of you is indeed at fault, part of the repair requires the offending partner to take responsibility as soon as possible for their action.
• Be aware of differing interpretations. If the issue is just a matter of differences, it is important for both partners to recognize the difference and work out a solution for the future, versus creating a deeper rupture by arguing over who is at fault and who is not.

• Relax and unwind; take some time to focus on each other in a beautiful location.
• Create a bucket list of experiences you want to have together.
• Hold a vow renewal to rededicate your love to one another.
• Take quarterly excursions to have time away alone with each other.
• Hold weekly date nights to have regular romantic connection.
• Consider a couple's retreat to continue to build skills in sustaining healthy, positive interaction with one another.
• Find new fun things to do together to add variety and keep things exciting.
• Monitor how your partner is evolving by regularly checking in on changes to your partner's dreams, and to identify new interests and likes.

• Vocalize positive thoughts and feelings about your partner.
• Compliment your partner while speaking with others.
• Talk about your partner to others.
• Introduce your partner to your friends and family.
• Stand up for your partner.
• Support your partner's ideas and beliefs.